There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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