i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
