Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
no, he came in my armpit
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
