you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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