I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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