My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
