Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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