i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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