I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
