i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
