i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
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I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
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I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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