WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
