so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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