Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
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Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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