He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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