I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
