The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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