True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
