Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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