Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
