opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Come on in and take your pants off
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