She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
