Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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