I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Randomize
