Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
