That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
