the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my being single is dangerous.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
