you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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