I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
