Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
