I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The maid of honor just puked.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
