his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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