Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
