You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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