i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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