So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
