We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
