I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
