when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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