We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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