I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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