I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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