You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
