when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
