Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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