no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
