So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
