maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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