I think my fart just growled at me.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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