Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
