Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
