Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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