Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
