With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
