don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
